The Zword
by andrella07
Summary: No one really knows why the Z-word is never spoken, we just know that it's simply never done. This is a parody of Resident Evil: Extinction.


**The Z-word**

**Andrella07**

**Hello all! This is my first attempt at comedy, so I encourage you to laugh often and tell me which parts were the funniest. Also a few songs are mentioned so if you are not familiar with them I suggest you look them up, or even if you are listen to them while you read. I would like to thank my most awesome beta, CantHoldOn, without which mistakes would be aplenty and the best Umbrella catch phrase by far would not have been possible. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, as always.  
**

The following feature presentation is rated R for Restricted (and possibly Retarded); those who do not have possession of their funny-bone or do not at least know its whereabouts are not permitted to partake in this particular parody.

FADE IN:

INT. BLACK SUV –NIGHT

ALICE has just escaped Umbrella's Detroit facility with the help of CARLOS, JILL, LJ, and ANGIE. Well Angie didn't really help, I mean she's a kid for Christ's sake, and if you think about it she's the reason Alice was captured in the first place. Carlos and LJ are sitting up front, Alice and Jill behind them, and Angie is sitting in the very back all by herself.

ANGIE (to Alice): Are you alright?

Alice smiles and nods, you would think that she was smiling to appease the young girl, but then you'd be wrong. Alice was smiling because she was just replaying the horrors she'd inflicted on Umbrella. She pretty much just exploded that one guy's brain, so yeah Alice is kinda happy.

Jill looks at Alice while her blue eye makeup is becoming more and more intense as the scene progresses.

JILL: What did they do to you?

Alice ignores the question obviously directed to her and instead reminisces about the time when she almost stabbed the good doctor with that pen, but then dropped it so she could elbow him in the face. Seriously, did you see that part? It was awesome.

Three failed attempts at 'I Spy' and one very boring version of 'I'm going on a road trip and I'm taking with me…' between Jill, Carlos, and LJ later, Angie tries to strike up a conversation.

ANGIE: So, why don't we ever call them zom-

ALICE: SHH! Don't say the Z-word!

ANGIE: Why can't I say (beat) the Z-word?

ALICE: Because, that's not how we do things around here. You can refer to them as the undead, the infected, the group of reanimated corpses that shall not be named. The list goes on.

ANGIE: Correct me if I'm wrong, but as is popular in today's mainstream culture the most acceptable term is zomb-

LOUD BANG

Jill turns around to see Angie with a bullet hole in her brain and Alice literally holding a smoking gun, in this case a sweet Smith and Wesson Model 460V with a 5" barrel, we have no idea how she acquired such a fine piece of equipment, she's just that amazing.

JILL (surprised): Jesus Alice! You shot her?

ALICE (defensive): She was being a pretentious, know-it-all brat.

Jill finds this answer unacceptable.

ALICE: Uh, what I mean is…um…I was taken over by Umbrella! They're the culprits behind this.

JILL: Those bastards.

LJ and Carlos are bored by the girls' conversation so they have their own. Carlos talks in his very fine accent.

CARLOS: Oh LJ check out my tat!

Carlos pulls up his sleeve to show LJ a triangle shaped tattoo oddly reminiscent of the one from _The Mummy_.

LJ: Mothafucker please, that ink ain't nothing.

LJ unzips his vest and lifts up his shirt to show a large chest tattoo of the video game cover image from _Grand Theft Auto: Vice City_.

CARLOS (says to himself, his accent startlingly obvious): Man, I wish I could be that gangster.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DESERT ROAD – DAY

5 years, 2 months (specifically those of January and February), 1 week, 4 days, 13 hours, 47 minutes, and 39 seconds later Alice is on her BMW motorcycle driving down a desolate road, desert wasteland on either side.

ONAT (radio broadcast): This is O-N-A-T, Obviously Not A Trap. We have 7 people here in need of urgent medical attention. We need help, this is O-N-A-T, again Obviously Not A Tr-

Alice pulls into the ONAT radio station and turns off her bike and radio, cutting off the broadcast. Leaving her bike behind, she enters the station.

CUT TO:

INT. RADIO STATION - DAY

PAN-UP on Alice showing her epic outfit, worn leather boots followed by leg stockings, shorts, a tight cami, and a really sweet coat. The walls on either side of her have red painted words that say things like "She's a witch! Burn her!" "How do you know she's a witch?" "She looks like one!" "This isn't my nose, it's a false one." "Well, we did do the nose…and the hat, but she is a witch!" "Burn her!" I think you get the idea.

Alice hears a noise, and pulls out her pistol. Around the corner from her is a WOMAN sitting in a rocking chair. Alice approaches with caution. The grody woman appears to be crying and holding a bundle in her arms.

WOMAN: My baby, please help my baby.

At the sight of the baby-bundle Alice sheaths her pistol.

ALICE: Good thing this isn't a trap, or I'd feel really stupid about putting away my gun.

The woman offers the bundle to Alice, and she takes it and draws back the cloth to reveal a TICKLE-ME ELMO. The Tickle-Me Elmo laughs manically.

ALICE: Oh fuck.

A shotgun is put to Alice's head by a GRODY MAN, and Alice drops Elmo on his face.

TICKLE-ME ELMO: You dropped me bitch!

Alice gets hit in the back of the head by the grody man, and is knocked unconscious.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Grody man and woman is holding a handcuffed Alice down as they relieve her of her weapons, while Tickle-Me Elmo taunts her. The rest of the GRODY GANG is laughing.

TICKLE-ME ELMO (sarcastic): We're surrounded, can anyone help us? Son-of-a-bitch!-fuck!-asshole! Please?

Apparently that drop on Elmo's head has caused him to get a real nasty case of tourettes. The grody man takes one of Alice's knives to trace the outer edge of her shorts.

GRODY MAN: What you got down there fishy?

ALICE: If you're looking for Nemo, you're not gonna find him down there.

The grody man is taken aback and before he can do anything else Alice kicks him in the head, snapping his neck instantly. A fountain of blood spurts from his mouth as he falls to the ground. The woman rushes to him.

WOMAN: He's dead!

Like we couldn't figure it out on our own. We all heard the snap, but whatever.

Alice gets hit in the head again by one of the gang, and not surprisingly, she's unconscious.

FADE OUT

FADE IN (a nice little parallel to Alice's unconscious state, don't you think?):

INT. RADIO STATION – DAY

Alice regains consciousness to see more red writing on the wall next to her, this time it reads: "Well she turned me into a newt." "She turned you into a newt?" "I got better." Wires are sparking nearby.

TICKLE-ME ELMO (offscreen): Think you're pretty smart huh? You dumb, slutty-crack-whore. Well you'll see…bitch.

Tickle-Me Elmo conveniently throws down Alice the keys from the floor above through a giant hole in the ceiling. Alice begins to crawl over to the keys.

TICKLE-ME ELMO (continued): Wouldn't want it to shit!-fuck!-damn! be over too fast. Release the fucking hounds!

Before Alice can unlock her cuffs, a gate is lifted and two undead dogs charge her. Alice jumps to her feet and runs from them. Tickle-Me Elmo can be heard cussing up a storm in the background. The dogs look like they have been covered in catsup and the burnt skin of BBQ chicken, but I'm told it's actually supposed to look like blood and guts. Alice nears the wall and runs up it, then flips, déjà vu anyone? The dogs follow and as they jump back around to chase her, one gets speared though its barbecue-ribs on a metal pole.

ALICE: Now that's what I call sishqa-dog-ed.

Haha, food humor. The other dog runs at Alice and she snaps its neck with her legs. But it isn't over yet; another dog is released from its cage as Alice unlocks herself from the handcuffs. Alice is in to kinky stuff, so she pockets the cuffs for later. The dog charges her, but she jumps over and kicks it into a tangle of electrical wires. The dog struggles long enough for Alice to tie some wires around it to keep it in place.

ALICE: Stay.

Tying up the dog distracts Alice long enough for another one to come up behind her and tackle her to the ground, but Alice manages to keep its jaws from closing on anything vital, and when you're the star of a movie – everything is vital (unless said movie is _How to Train Your Dragon_). Alice is close enough to one of the hanging live-wires (anybody else find it odd that this place has power? Yeah you could have a generator and obviously they do to broadcast their radio signal and have on other lights, etc., but wouldn't you systematically shut down the power to places that don't need it through the circuit breaker to conserve gas? I'm just saying.) so she grabs it and ties it around the dogs neck like a leash then electrocutes the dog so she can get free. (In hind sight, I wonder if they ever called that dog Sparky?) The dog caught in the other wires breaks free, and Alice ties him up too. If you've lost count, that's three dogs all tied up to a metal pillar with huge electrical wires. The dogs pull and fight their leashes, the force causes the pillar to fall bringing down the upper floor where the grody woman and man, the rest of the grody gang, and Tourette-Syndrome Elmo fall to the ground. The undead dogs descend on them. Alice leaves them to their fate and casts one backward glance.

ALICE: Who's laughing now?

Tourette-Syndrome Elmo lets fly the obscenities as they are all eaten alive.

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

EXT. DESERT ROAD – DAY

Alice is back on her sick BMW K1200R motorcycle, driving down the road. Noticing the helicopter with the camera-crew in it following her, she pops a wheelie and removes her hands from the handlebar. It is definitely a 'look ma – no hands' moment, but quickly turns into an 'if you ever do that again I'm gonna ground you for life' moment, as Alice brings the bike down and careens off the road right towards a dune conveniently shaped like a tall ramp. She revs the engine as "Dust in the Wind" begins to play in the background; the motorcycle gains a ridiculous amount of speed and Alice launches herself and the bike into the air twisting out a slow-motion triple-backflip during the epic violin solo. Alice sticks the landing and pulls back onto the road like nothing happened, as "Dust in the Wind" concludes.

CUT TO:

EXT. DIFFERENT DESERT ROAD (even though I'm pretty sure they're the same road, even the same section of said road.) – DAY

PAN IN on an undead enjoying his man-wich. Suddenly a truck runs him over, and we PAN OUT to show a convoy of various trucks, all of them gas hogs (once again I suppose saving gas isn't really a high priority).

CUT TO:

INT. HUMMER – DAY

CLAIRE, the redheaded and very-hot convoy leader, takes her eyes off the road to radio Carlos.

CLAIRE (into walkie): Hey Carlos this is Claire, I have to introduce myself because apparently we haven't been traveling together long enough for you recognize my smoldering voice; you got any smokes?

CARLOS (from the walkie): I'm out.

CLAIRE (into the walkie): Like I'm supposed to believe that.

CARLOS (from the walkie): Claire, because apparently I need to reestablish who it is I'm talking to; would I lie to you?

CLAIRE (into the walkie): LJ?

LJ (from the walkie): Claire Redfield-

CLAIRE (angrily, into the walkie): OK! Enough, I am Claire Redfield! Does anyone else not know who I am?

LJ (from the walkie): So, how can I help you? (beat) Mothafucker.

CLAIRE (into the walkie): Just looking for some smokes.

LJ (from the walkie): No can do.

CLAIRE (mischievously, into the walkie): How about alternate?

LJ (from the walkie): Sorry to say – mothafucker – we outta that too.

ASHANTI (from the walkie): …(static)

ASHANTI (continued): What? No introduction?...Ok fine, what was my line again, oh yeah. You gotta be shitting me?

BUS DRIVER (from the walkie): Sorry campers, we smoked the last of it back at Salt Lake, and how come I didn't get an intro either?

LJ (from the walkie): Well mothafuckers, it really is the end of the world.

With the walkie-talkie conversation over (good thing too, cause I was getting tired of typing 'from/into the fucking walkie') the camera PANS OUT of the hummer to show the convoy continuing down the road passing a really weirdly-shaped sand dune.

CUT TO:

EXT. COMPUTER GENERATED IMAGE OF ONE THE HIVES CONVIENTLY NEAR WHERE ALICE IS CURRENTLY TRAVELING – DAY

We follow the image down until we are shown two red figures, when we come up to them everything is seamlessly transferred to live action. DR. ISAACS is followed by SOME OTHER UMBRELLA GUY to a meeting room whose other occupants, CHAIRMAN WESKER and OTHER CHAIRMEN, are holographically projected around a table. They are discussing a new catch phrase for the corporation.

CHAIRMAN #1: How about 'Umbrella, we've got you covered!' Like an umbrella protecting someone from the rain, you know?

(To be honest, I kinda like that one.)

WESKER: Hate it.

(You would.)

CHAIRMAN #2: Oh, I know! 'Umbrella, we royally screwed over everyone and yet we are still doing our dangerous experiments.'

WESKER: Hm, it does show our dedication to reckless mayhem.

Dr. Isaacs and that other guy from Umbrella enter the meeting.

WESKER (to Dr. Isaacs): Good for the science division to join us.

DR. ISAACS: Sup.

WESKER: What do you have to report about the zom-

Dr. Isaacs cuts him off.

DR. ISAACS: Well that's not really the proper term to call-

Wesker gives Dr. Isaacs a threatening glare.

DR. ISAACS (continued): What I mean is – we now know for a fact that they don't need flesh to survive. They hunger for a man-wich but do not require it.

WESKER: What about Project Alice? You remember, the Project you let go and then lost.

Dr. Isaacs swallows uneasily.

DR. ISAACS: Using antibodies from her blood –

WESKER: The blood that you don't have.

DR. ISAACS: Well we do have a fuck-ton of clones, but anyways I'm going to create a serum from her blood to fight the virus and possibly reverse it, giving back these creatures a portion of their street-smarts, not book-smarts, maybe some memories – thus curbing their hunger for flesh.

WESKER: I don't know about you guys but when I remember all the good food I've eaten, it just makes me hungrier.

DR. ISAACS: I can turn them into cows (beat) I mean domesticate them!

The other chairmen and Wesker all laugh at Dr. Isaacs.

WESKER (trying but failing to contain his laughter, says jokingly): Project Alice and the domestication of the cows, is of the highest priority.

Wesker falls out of his chair laughing.

WESKER (continued): I'll expect a hamburger in one week (beat) I mean results!

Everyone but Dr. Isaacs is rolling around on the floor in uncontrollable laughter. Dr. Isaacs leaves the room angry.

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT GAS STATION – DAY

Alice has come upon a gas station void of everything except one UNDEAD GAS ATTENDANT. Alice pulls out a crossbow and aims it at the gas attendant noticing that his name tag reads 'STEVIE.'

ALICE: I'm sorry you have such a sucky name Stevie.

Alice pulls the trigger and sends a bolt right through his eye, attaching him to the side of a white truck behind him, and blood splatters from the wound. Alice dismantles her crossbow and drives down to the gas station. She checks for fuel but it's dry (see Alice knows the importance of gas, unlike some others who won't be named because they've already been identified a shit-ton…Claire Redfield! Sorry, couldn't help myself). Alice leaves the pumps to explore the building, Para Ordnance PXT LDA Light Rail pistol drawn.

CUT TO:

INT. GAS STATION – DAY

The gas station is pretty much empty of everything, except large amounts of Pepsi product-placement and a closed door. Alice, being the nosey-snoop that she is, opens it to reveal a hanging corpse covered in flies. (I bet she regretted that decision.) Beneath the corpse is a red booklet, Alice grabs it and flees the structure.

CUT TO:

EXT. GAS STATION – DAY

Alice's radio is picking up Claire Redfield's convoy signal broadcasting for survivors, but Alice ignores it and looks through the red notebook. Inside it is pages and pages of cut out maps of Alaska, random winter scenes, and hurried writing; some pages say: "I can see Russia from my house," "_Joan of Arcadia's_ audience is all made up of fear-based republicans," "Maverick!"

ALICE: Of course! It all makes perfect sense, Alaska is nothing but isolated wilderness, filled with gun-toting republicans; that place has got to be safe!

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT TRAIL MOTEL – DAY

Claire's convoy has stopped at the seemingly abandoned motel for the night. Carlos and LJ leave their vehicle to secure the motel.

CUT TO:

INT. DESERT TRAIL MOTEL – DAY

Carlos and LJ enter the motel, guns at the ready.

LJ: I'ma get me a room, I'll take a water bed, a jacuzzi, and I'm gonna rent me a porno morthafucker.

CARLOS: Just don't get _Eating Out in Raccoon City_, it is exactly what you think.

Carlos and LJ split up. LJ walks down a room filled hallway trying all the doors as he goes. Everyone but the last one is locked (go figure), he opens it and an UNDEAD COP attacks him, and they struggle until LJ shoots him the head. Exhausted from the ordeal LJ sits on the room's bed, ironically it is a water bed. From across the way an UNDEAD WOMAN, with one boob showing through her torn dress, rises and comes at LJ. LJ tries to shoot her, but hits her mirror image instead. Too bad for him, that's a bite of bad luck. The undead woman pushes him to the bed and rips into his chest with her teeth, taking out a sizeable chunk of LJ's tattoo.

LJ: Mothafucker! What is with all these dead, shirtless-hoes always comin' afta me?

LJ can't manage to get his gun up; I guess he's had that 'particular problem' before, but Carlos saves the day by blowing her to bits with his submachine gun.

CARLOS: You ok?

LJ: Yea, but I don't think I wanna watch any pornos, that was more than enough action for me. Ya hear what I'm saying?

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT TRAIL MOTEL – DAY

Claire and the rest of the convoy leave their vehicles to check the place for supplies.

CLAIRE: Spread out, look for anything of use – gas, food, ammo – you know the drill, but some of our audience doesn't know that those would be useful items to gather, so I'm repeating it anyways.

CUT TO:

INT. DESERT HIVE FACILITY LAB ROOM – DAY

Dr. Isaacs is injecting a LABRAT UNDEAD with one of his secret formulas, sort of like the Coke secret formula, only it can't be Coke because this movie has already been endorsed by Pepsi. Two of Dr. Isaacs ASSISTANTS stand aside and watch. The drug seems to have an effect because it turns the undead's eyes black, always a good sign. Dr. Isaacs then presents the newly altered creature with a cell phone, and the undead responds by holding it up to his ear. Then Dr. Isaacs gives him a camera and the undead takes a photo, but manages to cut off both of the assistant's heads and leaves Dr. Isaacs out of the picture completely.

ASSISTANT #1: Amazing you've domesticated him!

Dr. Isaacs couldn't be more proud.

DR. ISAACS: I think I'll call him Suds, for super-undead.

ASSISTANT #2: Suds? You may as well call him Bubbles!

Both of the assistants laugh and that makes Dr. Isaacs very unhappy, and if Dr. Isaacs is unhappy then so is SUDS. Suds breaks the manacles restraining him to the wall and attacks and kills the two assistants in defense of his creator. Dr. Isaacs smiles menacingly.

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT TRAIL MOTEL – DUSK

Claire's convoy is setting up for the night, PAN IN on the Bus Driver handing out cans of food to some of the people in the convoy in a line.

BUS DRIVER: Peaches for you.

The Bus Driver hands over a silver label-less can.

BUS DRIVER (continued): Pumpkin pie filler for the little bastard.

Claire walks up and completely just cuts the entire line, when you're in charge you can do stuff like that. Though I'm kind of surprised to see a woman in charge…

CLAIRE (to Bus Driver): Hey.

The Bus Driver shakes a can like one would shake a baby, then hands it to her.

(I am so going to hell.)

BUS DRIVER: That's soup, red New England clam chowder.

Claire takes the can but doesn't open it.

CLAIRE: How do you do that?

BUS DRIVER (shrugs): I just guess, no one's corrected me so far.

Claire pulls on the tab of the can and opens the lid.

CLAIRE: It's white New England clam chowder you dumb-ass.

She chucks the can at the Bus Driver and walks away to talk to the TEXAN.

CLAIRE: Did you check out the gas station yet?

TEXAN: Yes-mam, that dang thing be dryer than my momma's cornbread.

CLAIRE: Shit, I knew we should've taken the Prius.

Claire leaves the Texan behind to enter the news van with the KIWI.

CLAIRE: Is the perimeter up yet?

KIWI (in his Aussie accent (Why does everyone have to talk with an accent? Is it an M. Night Shyamalan thing where you have to include every single ethnicity in your movie?)): It's almost done.

CLAIRE: Who's out there?

KIWI: Carlos.

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT TRAIL MOTEL – DUSK

Carlos is riding around on an ATV spearing the ground around the convoy and motel with motion sensing devices.

CLARIE (from walkie-talkie): Hey Carlos.

(God not this again!)

CARLOS (into walkie): Claire.

CLAIRE (from walkie): All that smoking is slowing you down – get your ass in gear old man. I want my perimeter up.

CARLOS (into walkie): Typical woman, bitch-bitch-bitch.

CUT TO:

INT. NEWS VAN – DUSK

Kiwi is punching random keys on a computer.

KIWI: All sentinels up, perimeter is online, and a bunch of other technological terms I don't want to worry your pretty little head with.

Claire brings her hand to her face in disgust at the blatant sexism. Though she's pretty much asking for it by wearing those super-tight jeans.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE – NIGHT

Alice is sitting by a roaring fire, clearly unconcerned that the light may attract the undead. She is listening to the broadcast from Claire's convoy again. Kiwi's voice can be heard.

KIWI (radio broadcast): This is Claire's convoy mate, present location the Desert Trail Motel. But this ain't nothing like deserts on the mainland back in Aussie. Broadcasting for any survivors, is anyone out there?

Alice shuts off her radio, and goes to sleep.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE – NIGHT

Alice is twitching in her sleep when suddenly rocks and other small objects start to float in mid air around her, followed by her motorcycle which is picked about 10 feet. A noise causes Alice to awake and draw her pistol, unconsciously releasing the suspended items from her mind. She sees no danger, but then her motorcycle and all the rocks fall down around her. The bike breaks apart in an amazing display, almost like someone had taken it apart first so it could split in such an exact manner. The look on Alice's face is one of horror. She rushes up from her bed and cradles the fallen bike like one would a child.

ALICE (sobbing): NO! (beat) no-no-no.

Alice holds her hands up to the sky and pleads desperately.

ALICE (continued): WHY?

Alice looks back to her fallen bike and shakes her head in despair.

ALICE (with righteous anger): Umbrella has taken many things from me, but this (beat) this will not go unpunished. I swear to you, Umbrella will pay.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. DESERT HIVE FACILITY COMPUTER LAB – NIGHT

Dr. Isaacs is sitting at his desk twiddling his thumbs, waiting for the College Humor "We Didn't Start the Flame War" video to load, when the WHITE QUEEN, the Hive's holographic projection of the main computer program, materializes next to him.

WHITE QUEEN (in creepy British accent): Dr. Isaacs, my senses have detected a peek in Alpha-Sigma-Phi brain waves that was not from one of the clones. It occurred outside the complex.

DR. ISSACS: That's not possible.

WHITE QUEEN (tired of always being doubted): My senses were quite clear, massive brain wave activity was detected 15 minutes ago, centered on a desert location. Never mind that most of this continent is desert these days.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DESERT DUNES – MORNING

Alice, having to abandon her beloved bike, is walking across wind-blown sand dunes with no particular destination in mind. She is lost without her motorcycle, her one true friend. But alas, wandering the desert alone is not to be her destiny. Alice sees a flock of thousands of black birds begin to congregate in the sky not very far from where she is, she follows them.

CUT TO:

INT. HUMMER – MORNING

K-MART is asleep in the back of the yellow hummer, but a tapping noise awakens her. She rises and opens the door of the hummer to see what the sound is. On the hummer is a large black crow. The crow caws at her loudly.

K-MART (to bird): So, it's a screaming match you want!

Without missing a beat K-mart screams, and it is the epitome of a girl-scream. Claire jolts awake as K-mart rushes back into the hummer.

K-MART (panicked): Claire!

CLAIRE: What?

Claire notices the massing birds. They are literally everywhere, landing on every surface they can find. Claire picks up a walkie-talkie (fuck me).

CLAIRE (into walkie): Carlos?

CARLOS (from walkie): I see them. Everybody stay in your trucks.

TEXAN (from walkie): What's going on y'all?

CLAIRE (into walkie): Just stay in your trucks, roll up the windows, and stay quiet.

CUT TO:

INT. BUS – MORNING

The bus driver has everyone push up their windows, but a bird lands on the hood of the bus. There is something wrong with its eyes, the crow is infected. One of the kids drops a Pepsi can (product-placement!) and it alerts the crows. They all take wing.

CUT TO:

INT. HUMMER – MORNING

CLAIRE (into walkie): Fire it up boys, let's get out of here!

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT TRAIL MOTEL – MORNING

The crows are circling the convoy as they try to escape. The bus driver's vision is blocked by a bunch of the birds and he drives the bus right into a pole. Seriously, who certified this guy?

CUT TO:

INT. HUMMER – MORNING

K-mart sees the bus crash.

K-MART: Claire!

Claire looks in her review mirror and sees the mayhem, she turns her hummer around and picks up her walkie-talkie.

CLAIRE (into walkie): Carlos! We have to e-vac the bus!

CARLOS (from walkie): Thank you Captain Obvious, I'm already there.

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT TRAIL MOTEL – MORNING

The other vehicles pull up next to the bus and begin to evacuate people out from the rear. See, Rosa Parks, it's good to sit at the back of the bus. You get your ass saved first. Most everyone makes it, except a few UNLUCKY BASTARDS, who are pecked to death by the crows. With most everyone out of the bus, the other vehicles leave. One unlucky bastard gets the genius idea to use the flame thrower attached to the top of one of the vehicles. It works pretty well until he is thrown from his perch and eaten alive. With no one to control it, the flames sweep wildly. Carlos notices a YOUNG GIRL WHOSE ETHNICITY IS REMINISCENT OF DORA THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT (BUT ONLY IN ARIZONA) who is about to be attacked by crows, he saves her from the birds, but then the flamethrower moves in to roast them alive. Just as it is about to engulf them both, the fire stops in its path. Carlos looks to his left and sees Alice standing a few yards from him. PAN IN on Alice as her eyes dilate and she looks to the fire and bends it to her will, causing the flames to rise up and swallow every last crow. Burnt feathers, crispy little bird legs and beaks fall to the ground around them. The mental exhaustion and the emotional stress of losing her motorcycle are too much for Alice to handle together, her legs buckle. Before she can fall to the ground Carlos catches her in an awkwardly romantic gesture. It could be because Carlos is gay, but he hasn't come out of the closet yet so…

ALICE (exhausted): Carlos, my bike – it's gone!

CARLOS: It's going to be ok.

Alice passes out.

CUT TO:

INT. DESERT HIVE FACILITY COMPUTER LAB – DAY

The White Queen appears before Dr. Isaacs who is playing Oregon Trail on his laptop.

DR. ISAACS (to himself): That's bullshit, you can't make game scarce in the area by just shooting one buffalo.

WHITE QUEEN: Dr. Isaacs, another spike in Delta-Beta-Mu waves detected. Forty-five percent probability that this is the frat-party where you picked up that slut.

DR. ISAACS (distracted): What?

WHITE QUEEN: Oh and I found Project Alice.

DR. ISAACS: Can you wait like one second; I have to ford this river.

WHITE QUEEN: If the river is higher than two feet I advise you not to attempt it, find a ferry across, or wait a couple of days.

DR. ISAACS (confidently): It's three feet, but they'll be fine.

PAN IN on Dr. Isaacs' laptop screen showing a little, pixilated, covered-wagon in a river. Halfway across it tips, a hat and a few barrels float to the surface.

DR. ISAACS: Shit!

The White Queen tries to look over Dr. Isaacs's shoulder at the monitor but he blocks her view.

DR. ISAACS (continued, reading the screen): You lost 1 pound of meat. Your entire party is…dead.

WHITE QUEEN: I told you so.

Dr. Isaacs closes his laptop and turns to face the White Queen.

DR. ISAACS: Now what's this about Project Alice?

WHITE QUEEN: Well using the square root of an imaginary number times pi, divided into fifths, related into Einstein's theory of relativity, hanging on by a string theory, then using cosign to get my student loans, followed by breaking my wrist in a compound fraction, I was able to inversely derive that Alice is very close by.

DR. ISAACS: Seriously, you figured all that out?

WHITE QUEEN (sarcastic): Yeah, I'm a little kid who likes to do math in her free time. Hell no! I just saw her on one of the monitors.

DR. ISAACS: Oh.

CUT TO:

INT. DESERT TRAIL MOTEL ROOM – DAY

Alice wakes up on a couch and tries to stop the blinding light with her arm; it is covered in those stupid sillybandz. Alice looks confused, she pulls one off and it forms the shape of a motorcycle. Alice is ready to burst into tears, but stops because she has just realized another girl is in the room staring at her like a creeper.

K-MART: Hi.

ALICE: Hey.

Alice sits up and holds out the motorcycle sillybandz.

ALICE: These belong to you?

K-MART: Gave it to you last night (beat) for luck.

ALICE (pensively): You wouldn't be giving me this motorcycle if you knew what happened to my last one…or the one before that.

K-MART (confused): What?

ALICE: Nothing, so what's your name?

K-MART: K-mart.

ALICE: That's an interesting name, Wal-Mart.

K-MART: My name is K-mart!

ALICE: Take it easy, Target.

K-MART: Ok, that's not even close...

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT TRAIL MOTEL – DAY

A few members of the convoy are finishing digging the graves, while Carlos and Claire are off to the side having a whispered conversation. Alice emerges from the hotel and walks up to LJ, who keeps looking at his bite mark and then glancing around to make sure no one else saw him do it. The second he sees Alice he hollers to her.

LJ: Alice! It's good to see you mothafuker.

ALICE: It's good to see you too homey.

(Anyone else notice that the second you're around a black person you start to talk like them too?)

LJ: What's up mothafucker?

ALICE: God you're worse than that Tickle-Me Elmo.

LJ: What?

ALICE: Nothing dawg.

Carlos walks over to the two conversing; Claire follows a few paces behind, close enough to hear what is being said but not enough to be part of the conversation, basically at a woman's rightful place if you will. The concept being that it is good for a woman to be seen, not heard.

CARLOS: How you been Alice?

ALICE: Been better, Carlos…been better.

CARLOS: Listen (beat) I'm sorry about what happened to your motorcycle. Do you want to talk about it?

Alice intakes a sharp breath.

ALICE (shakily): It was an accident…my-my BMW, my pride and joy…I'm sorry I just can't talk about it yet.

CARLOS (with a slightly-gay lisp): It's ok honey, I understand. Come on.

Carlos leads Alice and the rest of them over to finished graves, where the convoy awaits somberly.

CLAIRE: A moment of silence please, for all of those great people we have lost.

Alice directs a cough at Claire.

CLAIRE (huffs and adds quickly for Alice): And-one-BMW-motorcycle-who-lost-its-life-in-a-tragic-accident.

Claire and the rest of the convoy bow their heads in respect. Alice chokes up as she walks over to the graves, and buries in the sand the BMW logo that she cannibalized off her trashed bike.

The procession over, Carlos introduces Claire and Alice.

CARLOS: Alice, this is Claire Redfield. She put this convoy together and is pretty much only in charge because she called dibs.

Alice and Claire shake hands; the tension in the air is palpable. A guitar rift of "Keep 'em Separated" splits the silence. It's about to be the bitch fight of the century, both women size each other up. PAN IN on Claire checking Alice out, when Claire's fiery gaze falls on Alice's chest, Claire's face contorts into an expression of confusion, and we CUT TO: Alice crossing her arms defensively. Deciding that there is no real competition here, Claire excuses herself. "Keep 'em Separated" disappointingly sputters out before it can really begin.

CLAIRE (aloof): Well if you don't mind, I've got leader-shit to attend to.

Claire walks away, and Alice acts offended.

ALICE (under her breath): I could totally take her.

Forgetting that he almost witnessed a cat-fight of epic proportions, equal to every straight guy's (and lesbian girl's) wildest fantasy, Carlos confronts Alice.

CARLOS: Why did you leave after Detroit? Without you it was just Jill going on and on about what a fox she was.

Alice easily recites her long practiced excuse.

ALICE: Umbrella was using me, they were tracking me…and if Jill was being as annoying as you say she was, I would've killed her, and if not me then Umbrella certainly would've.

CARLOS: That doesn't really make any sense. How would Umbrella know if Jill was annoying?

Alice is becoming increasingly paranoid.

ALICE (hurried): Do you even know Umbrella's trademark phrase? It's 'Umbrella, we're in everything.'

CARLOS: Ok – enough with your conspiracy theories, Umbrella said the outbreak was caused by terrorists and I believe them!

ALICE (angrily): Raccoon city was an inside job! You were there for Christ's sake!

CARLOS: Yeah, but I wasn't in this whole-

Carlos holds up is hands to show quotation.

CARLOS (continued): "beehive" complex with you, when YOU claimed that shit was going down! How do I know if you're telling the truth? Do you have any idea how many times you've been hit in the head? A lot, ok? A lot!

ALICE: That's it; I'm done talking to you!

Alice storms off and comes to the gas station where she leans against the side of a gas pump. Carlos walks away as well.

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT TRAIL MOTEL GAS STATION – DAY

Alice is still leaning against a gas pump as Claire walks up to her.

CLAIRE: Got a minute?

ALICE (curtly): No, I'm horribly busy, can't you tell?

CLAIRE (ignoring the previous comment): Thanks for toasting those birds; we're all very grateful, but…

ALICE: How long am I going to stay?

CLAIRE: Yeah, well at first I was going to kick you out because hey, this is my convoy and you were totally encroaching on my territory, what with your obvious previous ties to Carlos and LJ, but now…I don't know. I just don't feel threatened by you.

ALICE (confused): Uh, thanks?

CLAIRE: But you still have to leave.

ALICE: What? Why?

CLAIRE: Hello? You're a freak! I mean were you dropped on your head or something, because that was some serious mental shit.

Alice brings her palm to her face.

ALICE (to herself): Not you too.

CUT TO:

INT. DESERT HIVE FACILITY MEETING ROOM – DAY

A hologram of Wesker and the real Dr. Isaacs are talking.

WESKER: You're sure it's her, the actual Project Alice?

DR. ISAACS: Yes, the White Queen told me.

WESKER: Oh good thing, cause had you me told that _you_ found her – I wouldn't have let you go after her. I trust a computer program way more then I trust you.

DR. ISAACS (sarcastic): Oh really Neo, why ever could that be?

WESKER: What did you call me?

DR. ISAACS: Nothing (beat) Mr. Anderson.

WESKER: Shut up. I give you permission to go to the surface and retrieve her…Oh and doctor? Make Bubbles do it.

DR. ISAACS: His name is Suds!

WESKER: Not anymore, I'm officially changing it! I can do that kind of stuff you know.

DR. ISAACS (begrudgingly): Very well.

CUT TO:

INT. CONVOY ARMY TRUCK – DAY

Kiwi, Claire, Alice, LJ, and Carlos are all sitting in the back of the army truck; Alice's red booklet is in Kiwi's hands.

KIWI: Claire – Alice makes a good argument. Alaska is our best bet to get away from the infection.

CLAIRE: But Alaska?

ALICE: What's wrong with Alaska?

CLAIRE: I don't know, I guess I just have a problem with mom's who put lipstick on their hockey-playing dogs.

CARLOS: Valid point.

CLAIRE: This is too big a decision for me to make by myself.

KIWI (whispering to Carlos): Or it could be that she can't decide because – get this (beat) she's a woman!

Carlos and Kiwi break into laughter, everyone else looks at them confused.

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT TRAIL MOTEL – DAY

Claire is confronting the entire convoy.

CLAIRE: We have a decision to make. There is a chance - a chance that a pocket of republican survivors have fought off the infection in Alaska. So we can stay as we are, or we can become Mavericks…For Alaska?

People begin to raise their hand until everyone standing next to those few people (I should say that the Texan is waving his hat like crazy) feel pressured into conforming so they raise their hand up as well. It becomes unanimous.

CLAIRE: Alaska it is.

CONVOY (together): ALASKA!

CUT TO:

INT. DESERT TRAIL MOTEL – NIGHT

Claire, Carlos, Alice, Kiwi, Texan, and K-mart are in the hotel lobby sitting around a lamp, pouring over a map and discussing the journey to Alaska.

CARLOS: So we're all pretty much out fuel…

Texan and Kiwi nod.

KIWI: If we're gonna make this trip we need to resupply. We don't have many options; we've pretty much sucked this whole area dryer than Edward volunteering at a blood drive.

CARLOS: No, Edward doesn't consume human blood.

KIWI (surprised): What kind of vampire doesn't drink human blood?

CARLOS (with a little too much excitement): Sparkly-gay ones.

Before Kiwi can respond Claire interrupts.

CLAIRE: Vegas. It's the only place we're sure to find gasoline and supplies.

CARLOS: There's a reason for that, Vegas is too damn dangerous. Jesus, do women ever use their head?

Kiwi and the Texan mutter in agreement, but stop when Alice begins speaking.

ALICE: She's right, Vegas is our only _bet_.

CARLOS (impressed): Nice play on words, Alice.

Carlos holds up his hand, and he and Alice high-five.

CLAIRE (to Alice): God, it must be nice to not have any breasts – guys actually listen to you.

ALICE (to Claire): I'm sorry, what were you saying?

CARLOS, KIWI, TEXAN (together): Ohhhh! Burn!

The guys all high-five Alice this time.

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT TRAIL MOTEL – DAY

The convoy is all packed up and leaving the motel, on the road they pass a sign that says "Vegas – the city living on borrowed water. 89 Miles"

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT HIVE FACILITY SHACK – DAY

An Umbrella helicopter is taking off carrying a large shipping crate.

CUT TO:

EXT. DUNE COVERED VEGAS – DAY

The convoy pulls into the Las Vegas strip. Monuments and buildings are still quite recognizable despite all the sand and wind damage. The place is quite conveniently empty of all undead. The convoy attempts to get close to an area of valet parking but blocking their path is huge metal container. Everyone emerges from their vehicles.

CUT TO:

EXT. DUNE COVERED VEGAS – DAY

PAN IN on Claire giving orders in typical female fashion, by yelling and using overly dramatic hand gestures.

CLAIRE: Everyone spread out!

She points at the Texan.

CLAIRE (continued): You, on lookout.

Claire points to the replica of the Eifel Tower.

CLAIRE (continued): Up there.

Claire begins to wave her arms wildly, like she's directing an airplane or something.

CLAIRE (with arm gestures): We are gonna have to move this crate away from its current position. Someone get the winch!

Carlos throws a balled up pair of his dirty socks at Claire and hits her in the face.

CARLOS (laughing): I got the wench!

Kiwi gives Carlos a high-five.

CLAIRE: Oh gross!

PAN IN on the Texan as he begins his climb, PAN OUT to LJ getting out of the truck moaning like one of the undead. In fact he really looks like shit; I'm talking trademark pale-ing of the skin, circles under the eyes, and no one else has noticed…

CUT TO:

EXT. DUNE COVERED VEGAS – DAY

Alice approaches the crate uneasily, and brings her ear up to listen inside.

ALICE: Get back!

Alice backtracks away from the box quickly. A second later the crate's door falls open and a HORDE OF SUPER-UNDEAD charge into the sunlight. Before the humans can engage them in what is sure to be a classic battle with heavy casualties on both sides, the Suds line up in formation and break out into a poorly choreographed dance while singing "Umbrella" by Rihanna.

SUDS (together): Under my umbrella-ella-ella-ay-ay-ay.

ALICE (snarling): Umbrella.

CLAIRE: Who else did you expect to responsible for this? Parasol?

ALICE: Shut-up, Red.

The Suds, with Bubbles as the lead, continue their horrible song and dance, seriously it's like a Lady Gaga music video gone wrong…no wait – it is exactly like a Lady Gaga music video with no changes what so ever.

CARLOS: Great, now I'm going to have that song stuck in my head forever. And I just got out "Oops!...I Did It Again." Damn those Gleetards and their special Britney Spears dedicated episode!

Not wanting to get more of the song stuck into his head Carlos runs, PM-98 in hand, at the nearest super-undead while just unloading on his ass.

CARLOS: I'm Britney BITCH!

Never one to be outdone in a fight Alice pulls out her ridiculously awesome battle-blades, yes she calls them battle-blades; she likes the alliteration. Anyway, she unsheathes her battle-blades and starts beheading like crazy.

Claire, Kiwi, and the Texan all begin to fire with amazingly un-real accuracy, but they don't look nearly as cool as Alice, so we're going to ignore what they do for a while. Note however that a ton of other people from the rest of the convoy begin to die, and that LJ is hiding out like a pansy in the truck with K-mart.

CUT TO:

EXT. DUNE COVERED VEGAS – DAY

Alice slices into the super-undead one after another; she jumps and kicks one in the face instantly snapping his neck. None of them can even touch her, it's awesome. A group of the super-undead chase a few survivors into a Greek type building and Alice follows to save them. She saves one but the rest die. (To be honest I'm not sure she was really trying. Wouldn't a pistol have been a more effective weapon? Then you don't have to be at close range to dispose of the undead, which means you can kill them sooner, thus saving more lives.)

CUT TO:

INT. TENT ON VEGAS BUILDING ROOFTOP – DAY

Dr. Isaacs and a few UMBRELLA SOLIDERS are watching the destruction through Alice's eyes via satellite feed to Dr. Isaacs' laptop.

DR. ISAACS (to himself): Satellite in position and…

Dr. Isaacs punches a few keys.

DR. ISAACS (continued): shutting her down now.

CUT TO:

INT. GREEK VEGAS BUILDING – DAY

PAN IN on Alice's eyes as they flicker with the Umbrella logo. Alice can no longer move as the fight rages outside. PAN OUT all the way to the satellite orbiting Earth in space. We hear a ticking sound and a voice off screen.

UNKNOWN SPEAKER #1 (off screen): What is that mysterious ticking noise?

UNKNOWN SPEAKER #2 (off screen): Dumbledore!

CUT TO:

EXT. DUNE COVERED VEGAS – DAY

The Texan, perched high up on the Eifel tower tries to save this RANDOM CHICK, sacrifices himself, blah-blah-blah, nobody cares. PAN TO: Kiwi is being chased by four undead; he shoots and kills one but the other three attack him next to the news van and end his life in what was probably an extremely painful death, only Claire cares.

CUT TO:

INT. TENT ON VEGAS BUILDING ROOFTOP – DAY

Dr. Isaacs and his team receive an alert to a problem with the satellite; on the doctor's laptop an image of the Xbox 360's ring indicator pops up, 3 of the 4 sections are red (Dun-dun-du).

DR. ISAACS: NO! Not the Red Ring of Death!

The live satellite feed of Alice is gone.

DR. ISAACS: Oh shit – time to go!

CUT TO:

EXT. DUNE COVERED VEGAS – DAY

Alice – has left the building …and is running to the other building where the Umbrella employees are hiding out on the roof. She climbs multitudes of stairs rather quickly.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROOFTOP WITH TENT – DAY

Alice emerges onto the roof through a door and sees a chopper with the Umbrella logo and a white tent in front of her. She rushes into the tent and kills all of the soldiers inside with shots from her dually wielded handguns. She hears the helicopter's engine start up.

CUT TO:

INT. HELICOPTER – DAY

Dr. Isaacs is just settling into the helicopter when Bubbles bites him on the shoulder. The pilot shoots Bubbles in the head.

DR. ISAACS: Must have anti-virus!

CUT TO:

EXT. ROOFTOP WITH TENT – DAY

Alice exits the tent as the helicopter flies over head. Alice aims her pistols but doesn't fire as it gets away. K-mart appears behind Alice.

K-MART: Why didn't you shoot?

ALICE: Because JC Penny, we aren't driving to Alaska.

K-MART (angrily): For the hundredth time, it's K-mart!

ALICE (voice escalating): And I just wouldn't be _parading_ that name around if I were you, Macy's!

(Good one Alice.)

K-MART: Ah-ha! So you do know my name, you just don't like it!

ALICE: What's to like, Abercrombie & Bitch?

K-mart grunts at her in frustration.

K-MART: Stop making fun of me!

K-mart pushes Alice in anger.

ALICE (threatening): Better watch it, or you'll get your non-existent balls Block-Busted!

K-mart readies a fist for Alice's face. But suddenly Claire and Carlos appear on the roof.

CLAIRE: What the hell is going on up here?

ALICE (pointing to K-mart): Ask her. I'm going to check out the computers and see where that chopper is going.

Claire looks at K-mart like a mother ready to scold her child, arms folded, that 'you're such a disappointment' stare adorning her face.

ALICE (continued, quietly to K-mart): Later Sluts-R-Us.

Alice winks and starts to walks away, but K-mart lets out her battle cry and "Keep 'em Separated" restarts. K-mart tackles the taller woman to the ground, it's not as epic a battle as the one between Alice and Claire would've been, but it's still pretty cool.

K-mart and Alice both pull each other's hair, scratch with their nails, and slap one another in the face until Claire pulls K-mart off and Carlos holds back Alice. "Keep 'em Separated" pauses, but Claire loses her grip on K-mart and Alice struggles out of Carlos's arms. The song un-pauses and the fight is back on! This time Alice tackles K-mart and pulls out a chunk of her blond hair as K-mart punches Alice in the jaw. K-mart struggles to turn Alice over and they start to roll, coming dangerously close to the building's edge, but Alice still comes out on top. She grabs K-mart by the shirt collar with both hands and headbutts her. The strike dazes them both to the point that Carlos and Claire are able to pull apart and subdue them as the song ends.

CLAIRE (to K-mart): Enough! I think you need a time out!

K-MART (pleading): But Claire!

CLAIRE: Go wait in the hummer!

K-mart mopes off in the direction of the stairs, wiping Alice's blood off her knuckles, as Alice gets up and drops the chunk of K-mart's hair that she had been holding so she can probe her fat lip. (Ouch.)

CARLOS (to Alice): We'll meet you at the trucks.

ALICE: Fine.

Carlos and Claire follow after K-mart as Alice enters the tent.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DUNE COVERED VEGAS – Day

Alice approaches Claire, Carlos, and LJ who are in conversation.

CLAIRE: Did we kill all the zom-

Carlos puts his hand over Claire's mouth to silence her as Alice narrows her eyes.

CARLOS: We don't say the Z-word around Alice.

CLAIRE: What? That's ridiculous. What else are we supposed to call them?

Alice begins to monologue.

ALICE: There are plenty of appropriate names. The infected, the undead, the really fast and strong ones are called the super-undead or if you can't spit that out fast enough you can abbreviate and call them suds, and then there's this new breed with these tongue things-

LJ: Alice, wrong movie.

ALICE: Oh, how would you know? You die in like 5 minutes.

LJ opens his mouth but gets cut off by everyone else.

ALICE, CLAIRE, CARLOS (together): Mothafucker please! WE KNOW!

ALICE (to LJ): What you didn't think I knew that you got bit?

LJ is taken aback, as is Claire and Carlos who show surprise at the news.

ALICE (continued): Oh come on, I knew the second I saw her that Angie was infected! Don't worry – the writer didn't think I could tell either.

(You talkin' to me?)

ALICE (continued): But as I was saying, you can refer to the undead like an intelligent person (beat) without saying the Z-word. Oh, and I have the coordinates for that helicopter.

Alice walks away annoyed, but thinking she's illustrated her point well enough. Claire and Carlos continue to talk, as LJ leans up against the nearest truck and falls asleep…

CLAIRE: So the word beginning with a 'Z' used to describe those who shall not be _obviously_ named, makes Alice cranky?

Carlos sucks in a breath.

CARLOS (whispering): Yep. She blames her mood on Umbrella, but between you and me, Umbrella is just a scapegoat. I think she's mad because she has no breasts.

ALICE (offscreen, yelling): I heard that! I'm SUPER-HUMAN remember? Super-human, because of UMBRELLA!

Suddenly an undead LJ attacks and bites into Carlos, Claire is too busy thinking about Alice's breasts or lack thereof to be of any help. Carlos throws LJ off and shoots him the head.

CARLOS (shouting): Fuck you, Alice! Fuck you!

ALICE (offscreen, yelling back): How is that my fault?

CARLOS: I don't know…it just is!

CUT TO:

INT. DESERT HIVE FACILITY LAB ROOM – DAY

The original other Umbrella guy walks up to Dr. Isaacs, who is sitting at a table, injecting himself in the arm repeatedly with the anti-virus, and looks like hell.

UMBRELLA GUY: How much of this have you used?

DR. ISAACS: I was bitten by Suds – I mean Bubbles. My secret formula increased his power, I needed it.

UMBRELLA GUY: You have no idea what this will do to you.

DR. ISAACS: Oh I have an idea.

Dr. Isaacs gets up from his chair and shows the other Umbrella guy his arm; it's a mass of weird, grey tentacle-like things.

UMBRELLA GUY (laughing): Hey it turned you into Squidward!

Dr. Isaacs sneers.

UMBRELLA GUY (continued): I guess this means Wesker will want a Kraby Patty!

Umbrella guy continues to laugh until Dr. Isaacs shoots his tentacles at him and gauges them into his eyes and mouth right through to his brain.

DR. ISAACS: Who's laughing now?

PAN OUT to the hallway, where we here a multitude of screams as Dr. Isaacs goes on his rampage and we…

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

EXT. HILLS BY DESERT HIVE FACILITY SHACK – DAY

Alice is looking through binoculars at the shack and helicopter that is surrounded by hundreds of the undead. Carlos is lying down next to her on the hill. A few yards away are Claire and K-mart also scoping out the scene.

ALICE: Good thing I like a challenge.

K-MART (yelling to Alice, confrontationally): I like a challenge!

Claire tries to shush K-mart but she won't have any of it. Alice fires back.

ALICE: You wanna go again? I could make a nice little 'bracelet' out of your hair!

CLAIRE: Quiet you two!

It is uncertain whether or not the girls are going to back down, but then Carlos begins to cough up blood and Alice turns her attention on him.

ALICE: Hold on, the cure is in there.

CARLOS (snaps back): It's too late and you know it Miss-I-can-see-who's-infected-and-when-they're-going-to-die…

Carlos sighs and begins his apology.

CARLOS (continued): I'm sorry; you were right, you've been right about everything. Besides, you need a way to get in there, and I certainly know how to make an entrance.

Carlos smiles but Alice is just upset.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HILLS BY DESERT HIVE FACILITY SHACK – DAY

Alice, Claire, and K-mart are all standing by the semi getting ready to say their goodbyes to Carlos. K-mart goes to Carlos, hugs him and begins to cry. Then Claire hugs him and then hugs K-mart, it's like a fucking Care Bear hug party. Finally Alice gets to hug Carlos, when they part we PAN IN on Carlos as he looks dreamily into Alice's blue, teary eyes.

CARLOS: There is one thing I want to know.

ALICE: Anything.

Carlos leans into Alice and kisses her.

CARLOS: Yeah – I'm totally gay.

Alice nods, confirming what she knew all along. Carlos leaves Alice to get into the semi.

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT ROAD LEADING TO SHACK – DAY

Carlos is in the speeding semi and tries to take out as many of the undead as he can, the rest of the convoy is following a safe distance behind. As he nears the fence Carlos loses control and the semi tips.

CUT TO:

INT. SEMI – DAY

Carlos quickly tries to regain awareness of his surroundings and looks to the pack of dynamite next to him.

CARLOS: Man, I wish I had a smoke.

Out of the corner of his eye Carlos spots a stick of rolled up weed.

CARLOS(continued): LJ you sneaky mothafucker.

Carlos grabs the pot, takes out his pink cigarette lighter, and lights the fuse to the dynamite then lights the joint. He exhales smoke and says to the undead trying to enter the rolled semi.

CARLOS: Don't fear the reefer.

PAN OUT as the semi explodes, taking out or knocking down a majority of the undead. The rest of the convoy vehicles race into action and pull up next to the helicopter. PAN IN on Alice, Claire, and K-mart exiting the hummer and running with everyone else to the chopper. Claire, K-mart and the others get in but Alice doesn't. As Claire starts the helicopter with no explanation whatsoever as to how or when she learned to fly one, K-mart confronts Alice one last time.

K-MART: You're not coming?

ALICE: No, take care of the others.

K-MART: I will Alice in Wonderland.

Alice smiles.

ALICE: Touché K-mart.

K-mart smiles as well. Alice gives her the red notebook, and salutes them as Claire lifts off and heads for Tina Fey's house – I mean Sarah Palin's house. Alice makes for the shack, battle-blades unsheathed and when she enters, the floor pulls apart to reveal an elevator.

CUT TO:

INT. DESERT HIVE FACILITY RANDOM LAB ROOM – DAY

The elevator door opens to reveal Alice crouched down, pistol at the ready. We're not really sure why she switched but that's what happened in the movie so…(seriously, I found it a bit odd) Alice exits the elevator and enters the lab. Lights are flickering, there is blood everywhere, and everything is in a state of disarray. Suddenly the White Queen materializes next to her and Alice jumps back surprised.

WHITE QUEEN: Ha! I'm glad I startled you. I am the artificial-inteligen-

ALICE (reminiscing): Yeah I know what you are; I knew your sister. Good times.

WHITE QUEEN: You were the one who killed her.

ALICE: Yep, fried her sorry ass, and it was so much fun. I dare you to give me a reason.

WHITE QUEEN: Unlike my sister, I am not an idiot, and although I would love to kill you – I need you alive.

ALICE: Like I'm going to help you.

WHITE QUEEN: You will help me, because we have the same goals.

ALICE: Ah yes, get through the movie _Avatar_ without pointing out the obvious parallels between it and Disney's _Pocahontas_.

WHITE QUEEN (confused): What? No, we both want to destroy the biohazard for good.

ALICE: I'm listening.

WHITE QUEEN: Everything you'll need to fabricate a cure is in this lab, but there is one small problem.

ALICE: Of course there is.

WHITE QUEEN: Dr. Isaacs returned in an infected state, he has mutated and has caused a lot of damage. I have him contained in the lower levels and could probably keep him there indefinitely, but then there wouldn't be a boss battle to finish off this movie.

ALICE (nods): I see.

Alice walks back over to elevator.

ALICE (continued): Alright, let's go.

As Alice steps into the elevator, the White Queen commands it to the lowest floor and unlocks all of the doors. When Alice gets to the bottom and exits the elevator, a computer panel on the door flickers with the image of the White Queen.

WHITE QUEEN: Oh and Alice, _Avatar_ was the best movie ever.

ALICE (mutters under her breath): Reason number one.

Alice continues to walk through abandoned halls until she reaches a lab room, where a bunch of dead guys in lab coats are hanging from the ceiling and speared onto metal poles, blood is everywhere.

ALICE (sarcastically to herself): That's not creepy at all.

Alice turns around and sees a naked CLONE of herself in a water bubble, a breathing apparatus strapped to her face.

ALICE: I can't believe how many times I have to get naked for these movies.

(Too bad you weren't naked in the last one; not even shirtless for that hopeful shower scene…sigh)

Alice walks up to the clone and lightly touches the bubble surrounding her. It creates ripples. Suddenly Alice hears a noise and she backs away from the clone, pistol at the ready. An extremely mutated Dr. Isaacs attacks her from behind, and knocks her into her clone's water bubble, dropping her gun along the way. The hit startles the clone as Alice recovers, and throws one of her battle-blades into Dr. Isaacs shoulder. Behind her the bubble ruptures and the clone falls out, but Alice catches her as Dr. Isaacs runs away. The clone gasps then dies in Alice's arms. She covers the clone with her coat and continues after the doctor, without picking up her pistol or even the battle-blade that Dr. Isaacs pulled out of his shoulder and left behind, god only knows why she didn't…I mean that would've been any logical persons first priority?

CUT TO:

INT. MANSION REPLICA – DAY

Alice walks through an open door and into the exact replica of the mansion where she used to live.

ALICE (surprised): What the hell?

She walks over to a chess table where a game is currently in progress, she picks up the white knight and moves it to F-5.

ALICE: Checkmate!

From behind her Dr. Isaacs attacks, but she moves just in time as Isaacs fist smashes down on the chess table. He swings at her again and misses as Alice unsheathes her one battle-blade, and as you can recall – her only weapon. They square off and swing at each other, Dr. Isaacs misses as Alice guts him a new stomach, but Dr. Isaacs is unfazed. He grabs Alice's hand as she tries a downward slash and kicks her back onto the ground. Alice's battle-blade falls and sticks straight up in the floorboard. You will remember now that she is weaponless, really that could've been avoided with just a tiny bit of forethought. Dr. Isaacs stomach mends itself, and it looks really gross.

DR. ISAACS: You can't kill me.

Alice makes a run for her battle-blade but Dr. Isaacs stops her by grabbing her by the throat with his squidward-tentacle arm. Alice is choking to death, but her feet are still on the ground so she kicks the floorboard with the battle-blade in it causing it to launch up into her hand. She grabs the blade and cuts off all the tentacles. They grow back quickly and Dr. Isaacs tries to grab her again, but the tentacles are stopped by a mind barrier and Dr. Isaacs is blown backwards through a wall by the mental force. He emerges from the debris.

DR. ISAACS: I hate to burst your clone's bubble, but I've told you – I can't die.

Dr. Isaacs sends a powerful mind wave of his own, and Alice is blown through another wall (talk about renovations) right into the dreaded laser-room.

CUT TO:

INT. CLONE LAB ROOM – DAY

The clone shudders and coughs beneath the coat expelling water from her lungs.

CUT TO:

INT. LASER ROOM – DAY

Dr. Isaacs follows Alice into the lighted laser room, Alice gets up and does a kick, double punch combo on his face, they trade a few more blows until Alice is knocked on her ass again. (Your gun probably would've come in handy, eh?)

DR. ISAACS (monologuing): For so long I thought you were the future, and then I went through that whole 'vampires are cool' phase, and I kind of forgot about you. At first I was team Edward but the more I thought about it, the more I liked Jacob, but then someone said team Alice – and I remembered you. But I was wrong, I am the future.

Alice begins to laugh (and to be honest it creeps me out a little), and Dr. Isaacs boils with anger.

ALICE (laughing): No, you're just one ugly son-of-a-bitch,

A small beam of light flickers behind Dr. Isaacs.

ALICE (continued): and we're both about to get z-

DR. ISAACS: Don't say the Z-word!

ALICE: I was going to say zapped,

The laser begins to form.

ALICE (continued, excited): but you don't say the Z-word?

DR. ISAACS: Heavens no, there are so many other more intelligent and sophisticated ways of treating the undead.

ALICE: Finally! Someone who agrees with my-

Alice stops speaking as Dr. Isaacs is sliced into little symmetrical pieces by the laser. Alice sighs in disgust.

ALICE (continued): The one person – unfuckinbelievable.

The laser continues towards Alice, then stops right in front of her and dissipates.

CUT TO:

INT. LASER CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The clone presses a few keys on the control panel, and watches Dr. Isaacs fall to pieces on the moniter.

CLONE: Still one ugly son-of-a-bitch.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. TOKYO CITY – DAY

PAN DOWN through the city, road layer, grody sewer, layer of dirt, layer of clay, layer of clay and dinosaur bones, then cement, and finally the interior of the Hive meeting room. Chairman Wesker and other members of the board are conducting a final vote on the new Umbrella trademark phrase.

WESKER: All those in favor of "Umbrella – more corruptive than the dark side of the Force," say aye.

Before any of the members have a chance to vote, an image of Alice projects into the room.

ALICE: How about "Umbrella – all the target practice I'll ever need in the first ten minutes of the next movie." Oh and boys, I'm gonna be bringing a few of my friends.

CUT TO:

INT. DESERT HIVE FACILITY CLONE ROOM – DAY

Alice punches a few keys and ends the transmission. She walks over to stand next to her clone and they look outward as we PAN OUT to see rows and rows of naked Alice clones contained in water bubbles. We are so far away that Alice's voice is just a whisper as she looks at all the copies of herself.

ALICE (voice fading): I tell you what – this could turn into some seriously kinky…

Alice's voice fades away completely.

THE END

**Well readers, I hope you guys enjoyed that, because I loved writing it immensely. I hate to admit it but this franchise is so cool that it's got me secretly excited for an outbreak, with everyone turning into zom-**

***LOUD BANG***

_Not on my watch._

_-Yours truly-_

_Alice_


End file.
